I’m at the back end of another weekend, 3-ish weeks out from the New Year and wondering why I haven’t done this earlier. For the majority of this stunning weekend, I have been alone – not lonely – but alone with myself (by choice) and it’s been an absolute eye opener.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the first time I’ve spent time exclusively with myself – obviously – but I’ve had the overwhelming feeling this weekend that I actually enjoyed it. Something I’ve learnt about myself this year is that I find it hard to be alone. Ever since moving out I’ve enjoyed having my own space and the freedom to do my own thing, but I always found myself reaching out to friends, social medias, and family to keep me company. I’d maybe spend an hour or two doing my own thing (maybe even less) before I saw what everyone else was up to and tried to make a plan. This wasn’t (isn’t) a bad thing by any means – I’ve managed to surround myself with amazing people, so why not spend time with them right? But it started to get to the point where I would drown myself in plans; constantly having someone or something to occupy my time or validate me. Having Tinder didn’t help either. Endless streams of dates, conversations, and attention all sucked up huge amounts of time I could (should) have been using better. Admittedly, this whole ‘alone time’ managed to come about once I took myself off dating media. By the way, this doesn’t mean I’ve taken myself out of dating, or wanting to meet someone – I am just trying to see what happens outside my phone/take a hiatus from it all before I probably cave and re download in the new year (New Year, New Account). Regardless, it freed up a huge amount of my time, and for the first time in months I actually had an entire week and weekend with no plans at all. And you know what? It was fucking wonderful.
As wonderful as it was, it was surprisingly easy to almost slip back into old habits. Checking my phone constantly, to and fro-ing with myself whether to re download, having meaningless conversations with people, and trying to make plans to fill my time. Needless to say I managed to snap myself out of it, reminding myself that while I was trying to seek outside attention, the only attention I really needed was from yours truly. And again, I was right.
For the last 3 or so weeks I’ve been in this strange funk. Usually when I’m caught up in feeling off i’ll come right in a couple of days, but this particular feeling seems to be lingering around for a lot longer and it’s really caught me off guard. As always I got straight to work on trying to get myself out of it; a lot of self love talk, endless consulting sessions with my mum and sister, and a hell of a lot of vitamin D, but at the end of each beautiful day I could feel it creeping back and washing over me again. I’ve been asking and asking myself, what’s missing, what is it that’s keeping me from letting it go? I finally figured it out and the answer was right in front of me. Literally. As much as I would try convince myself or talk hours on end over and over about every situation that could possibly be amiss, it was me that was yet to believe it all. It was my own mind that was getting in the way of feeling the sense of completion I’ve been desperately striving for this year – and most importantly the last couple of months. You’re probably wondering what this has to do with me spending all this time alone and inside my head for the last three days well, let me tell ya.
I stopped dictating and planning my world around the happenings of others. My biggest problem this year was wasting time waiting; waiting for replies, waiting on someone, constantly in a state of being ready, but having to wait. I was spending so much of my time on other people’s time that once I got around to doing the things I wanted to do, I had run out of time, space and energy. So I decided this weekend, it’s Taylor Time. Want to go to the beach? Sure. Go to the market with my family. Read one of my 50 books at the domain. Order pizza and eat it in bed watching a new series on Netflix. Leave a night out early to snuggle up in my super king bed. Hell Yes. I can’t stress to you enough how good it was. Yeah there were a few speed bumps along the way, but you know how I solved them? I walked away and cleared my head, by myself, and I feel absolutely top frickin’ notch. This weekend seemed to take about 3 times longer than usual because I took my goddamn time and did absolutely everything in my power to look after myself. Why? Because at 23, you are more than entitled to be selfish to benefit your wellbeing. I am so happy.
I’m not going to say that this weekend was a magic cure and that the funk just disappeared because I’d be lying, but what it did do is take it down by at least half. I’m starting to feel like I’m back in the drivers seat again and boy is it a relief. This also ties back in with a previous post where I talked about the importance of honesty and communication. I had to realise how imperative it is that the person you’re most open with is yourself; and that’s what I’ve been practicing. I know it’s only been around 72 hours, but like meat, I’ll probably never go back to dishonesty. It came to my full attention this weekend (with all the hours I had alone) that I was purposefully lying to myself to make myself feel better rather than accept and feel what needed to be felt – hurt, anger, anxiety you take your pick – but once I actually got a grip and said okay bitch you just really have to lady up and do this – I felt so light with relief I could have floated away. Being completely honest with yourself is a hard thing to do and it’s something I actively have to keep telling myself to be in order to stay sane! But that’s okay too because it’s just another learning curve that we need in order to move upward.
So sitting here pre Monday looking back on this weekend (and the last year) has made me even more excited for what’s in store for me not only next year but in the coming weeks. Big, huge, scary-but-amazing things are in the pipeline and it’s all a part of my journey that I feel is really starting to fall into place, especially with the New Year just around the corner and it’s been an absolute wild ride. I also want to mention what a privilege it is to have the luxury of taking my time and being able to work through these things the way I have, and I am so thankful and grateful for the support network I have built.
Here’s to being open and ready for all the new experiences, people, places, and opportunities that are coming for me (and you!)
Love and light,