Now that the New Year is about to roll around I’ve been reflecting (overthinking) on the past year and the lessons I’ve taken away from the experiences I’ve had. One in particular has really stood out for me, and regardless of the fact it’s one of the most recent I think it has been applicable all along, just not in the forefront of my mind. This could be due to me maybe (definitely) ignoring it for the better part of the year, but hey lets move on from that.
In light of my most recent admission of being
an a grade fuck up a bit of a douchelord in regards to a certain person/relationship thus traumatising myself with the realisation that even I, Taylor Compain don’t know everything, I had another brainwave. After I had laid it all on the table and said everything that needed to be said, I was met with a “I want to see how this other thing might work out” e.g. explore my other options (yes I know it is still my fault) I realised that I never want to be anyone’s second choice. If he (they/whoever) really wanted to be with me and make it work, that would be it. No other options, no grey areas, and no ‘it’s complicated’. Hindsight I think they call it.
This eureka moment came after having a cry to my (very patient) mum. After all the tears and barely coherent running dialogue she asked, “If he texted you a month from now saying things didn’t work out with this other girl and he wanted to try again, would you?” Well played Kelly, well played. Because the answer is no. No I wouldn’t want to try again knowing I was the afterthought of something that didn’t work out so hey lets try this one again. Being the ultra competitive Virgo that I am, second place (and second choice) is a loss. This gels in with a saying I heard months ago when a friend found out her boyfriend was cheating: “If you have to choose between me and another girl, please don’t choose me”. It fully applies to this situation, and many others I’ve been in; if you find yourself having to choose between something – or being one of the choices – you either don’t want it or you need to get the hell out of there. Same goes for my own choices – I’ve definitely made a fool of myself on more than one occasion by trying to go backwards, vying for the attention of people I’ve already chosen to leave in the past in an attempt to try and rebuild my ego, but having that backfiring right in my face. Once I’ve reasoned and overthought all of my decisions to the point of wearing them (and myself) out, there is usually no need for me to ever revisit the situation and dredge up what’s been buried. Why? Because if you’re in the past, you’re not moving forward.
So in short I guess this is me putting into action – and words – what knowledge was there all along, for me and everyone else stuck at a crossroad; first choice is the only one i’ll ever accept. Doubt is something only that sneaks in when there is room for it, and I am a believer in certainty when you’re wanting to build a foundation (hello virgo).
You always come first.